


The cost of Jump seems high after you visit a pachinko parlor

by ember_alda



Series: Our encounters leave much to be desired [2]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-28
Updated: 2011-12-28
Packaged: 2017-10-28 07:24:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/305311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ember_alda/pseuds/ember_alda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hijikata goes undercover in a shrimp costume with Yamazaki in a pachinko parlor to stop criminal con-artists, when somehow Gintoki shows up and gets in the way, <i>yet again</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The cost of Jump seems high after you visit a pachinko parlor

 

He stood there, on the threshold of his future fate. In front of him were two buildings, each beckoning him with agonizing temptation. There was only one possible choice, but so evenly was his soul split he couldn't find it in himself to take one path over the other. Was he forever doomed to be paralyzed there, frozen in indecision for all time?

"You there! Get out of the way you slow bastard, some people have places to go." Gintoki felt a sharp elbow jab in his side harshly. From deep inside him, a great anger rose like a gigantic tsunami.

"You! Do you know what agony I'm going through!? I'm on the brink of making the most important choice of my week. Have you ever felt your _soul_ burning with the fire of indecision!? Do you know how many times I've flipped this coin to help me, only to make me feel worse!?" The huge throbbing vein in his head seemed to grow in the eyes of the bystander, who was now frozen in a ball of fear at the flaming rage in the yorozuya's normally calm eyes.

Gintoki's momentary burst of energy subsided, making him collapse suddenly into a corner, the black shadow of doom hovering close around him despondently, sapping away his will. "Oh ye holy gods, even you can't help me now! You only mock my misery by having someone gut me in the side with their arm..."

"What? What are you talking about? Isn't that only an ice cream parlor and a bookstore?"

Right after he spoke, the man stepped back automatically at the great crashing wave of evil aura that seemed to rise from the shadowed corner where Gintoki was clawing his face. White-hot laser eyes slowly rose along with the samurai's bowed head beaming terror into the man's soul, legs bucking up while his arms were still limp as if rising from the dead, voice low and raspy. "Wha~t? Are you judging my pain?" The man took another step back. " _Do you want me to chop off your elbow_?!"

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!"

Gintoki plopped himself onto a low barrel at the side of the store. Even after the man had run away shrieking in terror, his dilemma still wasn't solved. In his hand was 500 yen. Not enough to buy both his weekly Jump and his equally important weekly sundae. Even the cheapest sundae was at least 350 yen not including tax!

"Fuu~uck, what am I going to do? I can't live without a weekly dessert, which means I'll have to go back to sugar packets at the coffee shop again. But the manager kicked me out of the bookshop last time because I stood there reading magazines and never had enough money to buy anything."

In a gesture of aggravation, his head fell back onto the side of the building, thudding as he hit himself over and over again hoping that somehow the decision would come through osmosis by the wooden wall. Then, as if in answer to his inner prayers, his eyes alighted on a bright, neon yellow sign posted above him, seeming to glow with salvation as his head fell back. His eyes slowly scanned the words, reading them upside down:

"Want to earn some quick yen? Want to have fun while making money?! Then come to the Seven Wonders Silver Palace pachinko parlor, and let your luck take you to heaven! Wealth, and an all you can eat seafood bar awaits you! (Earn three crabs at the promotional slot machine next to the buffet and win a free meal!) "

The yen signs plastered on the ad danced back and forth in Gintoki's eyes, hypnotically entrancing him as he drooled, already converting the money into parfaits and shortcakes in his mind. Of course, that also could be the after effects of the sunlight striking his eyes as a set of bakery coupons fluttered in their taped spot on the wall, but nevertheless...it was clear that this was a sign from the gods! They wanted him to become a real man, by sacrificing all his (relative) wealth in a game of chance. Only the brave would survive in this expensive world with bottomless-pit roomates and their sadist dogs- and Shinpachi. He must do the right thing and head for the pachinko parlor immediately, and pave the way to riches with his own two hands.

"Yessssss! A new dawn has risen in Japan, this is my era!"

Several people in the streets stopped to stare as Gintoki strode past purposefully, the bottom of his kimono flaring out dramatically as he looked out into the sky, face set. His walk was firm, and full of purpose, leaving those behind him shocked at the stunning profile of his back as he walked towards the sun.

No one told him about the strange, brown smear on his ass.

"Mommy...why is there a huge stain on his butt? Did he go number two in his pants?"

The little boy's mother looked horrified at the thought, but stared closer as if trying to confirm it. Her face was vaguely disappointed. "No, he just sat on a nikkuman."

 

\-------

 

Hijikata was bored- despite the fact that he was cavorting around in a giant shrimp costume. Well, maybe not cavorting. The whole day he did nothing but stand next to the glass covered sushi stand in the seafood buffet, next to a promotional sign that read:

"Salmon sashimi made from freshly caught fish in the Sea of Japan! Our unagi is grilled to perfection! Come try our spicy tuna rolls too!"

He was _supposed_ to be here as back-up for Yamazaki in this undercover sting to try and find a pair of inter-galactic criminals who'd been conning Seven Wonders Silver Palace casinos all over several planets. Instead, he stood in his spot next to the advertisements, watching an old woman 'cleverly' hiding four plates-worth of sushi and crab legs in napkins and trying to sneak out the exit with a giant satchel. The heated glares he'd sent to the old bag were the only kind of law enforcement he'd practiced in three hours.

Of course, Kondo and Okita insisted that he wear this...he could have just worn plain clothes, but they conspired together to make this as irritating and mildly humiliating as possible. Well, more of Okita had convinced Kondo that this was a good idea...for the sake of tempura.

" _The manager already said that Komae-kun couldn't come in today, so it's perfect for you to wear this suit!"_

 _"Okita. How will I be able to effectively battle in a shrimp costume!? This limits my movements, and it's bright pink! Why can't I wear plain clothes? It would definitely be less conspicuous then this."_

 _"Toshi- are you saying that you won't do it? Uchibara-san said that he'd let you eat one plate for free if you filled in." Kondo's grave face was ruined by the slight drip of drool coming out of the corner of his mouth._

 _Okita interjected another useful point. "Of course it's pink, what other color would a shrimp be? You know, people are even less suspicious of employees than they are of other customers, won't this be the perfect undercover disguise?"_

 _"Captain, are you sure this is okay? Is one plate really worthy of this? Is this really the image of the Shinsengumi you want me to give?!"_

 _Kondo gave him a serious stare, his hand coming up to stroke his goatee mournfully as his eyes filled with disappointment. He thought Hijikata of all people knew him better than this. "The image of the Shinsengumi is one in which we will do anything to help us achieve our goals successfully. I am saddened that you had not realized that."_

 _"...Fine. I'll wear it."_

 _"Don't forget to bring back some shrimp tempura!_ "

Hijikata had needed to be restrained from tearing the padded outfit with his bare hands by the three door guards who were watching.

Sullen at the memory, he glanced over at his subordinate. When he'd walked in wearing the outfit, Yamazaki looked (not so) suitably impressed with his disguise, saying that he wished he could have been the one to wear it. Hijikata had offered to switch, but the other just shook his head, unable to deprive him of the honor. When Yamazaki had changed and was ready to go, Hijikata could not help but fervently thank the gods that Yamazaki had not accepted his offer.

His subordinate was donning a powdered grey wig, twisted into a tight, prim bun, and tiny square spectacles. A small smear of bright red lipstick was swiped across pursed lips, wrinkling with the action. The loosed, powder blue kimono covered the artificial hump of his back, and the musty lavender perfume he sprayed was the finishing touch to his costume of a senile little obaa-san.

Of course, Yamazaki already knew that he was staking out a _pachinko parlor_ , but still wore it as if it was _necessary_! It wasn't as if his disguise hid anything, his eyebrows were still black and the only thing even remotely approaching wrinkles were the ones around his eyes, that squinted retardedly like a nerdy cram school student who lost all his dignity cross-dressing. Hijikata shot another glance over to his stakeout partner currently sitting at a machine, steadily gathering up a sizable amount of balls despite the fact that he was _supposed to be working_.

From the corner of the shop the shrimp hissed at the old lady, close enough to her that she could hear. "Oi! Ya...mino-san! Aren't you a little to _old_ to be preoccupied with playing pachinko? Why don't you go back to your _job_ and move around a little."

"But Hiji- ahem," Yamazaki darted his eyes around suspiciously, promptly switching the tone of his voice, rasping highly like a dying kitten choking on bad lemonade. "I mean Ebi-san, if I win four more balls I'll have enough to pay for the buffet!"

The shrimp hissed again, even more pissed now than before when he saw the inappropriate amounts of mayonnaise people were spreading on their lobster tails. "Yamino! You aren't here to eat at the seafood bar. You have to _watch_ your cholesterol, and tell me before it gets too _dangerous_. If you don't do this properly, you might let it _slip_ , and then _someone_ ," a pointed stare, "will have to perform seppuku to make up for that dishonor."

Cowering under the words, Yamazaki painfully sighed before dutifully rising from the pachinko machine, hobbling slowly towards the back of the room where other types of gambling were, covertly throwing the vice-captain fearful looks. Yamino stopped nearby at a table where three men were crowded around a small, cramped Russian roulette table. Beneath the crispy, golden top of his costume, Hijikata's eyes followed his subordinate's movements intently.

" _Nooooooooooooo_!!!!!"

Everyone in the parlor stopped, heads swerving at the loud, desperate cry that originated from the very center of all the machines. Hijikata stared at the kneeling form, immediately recognizing the natural silver perm that peeked out from behind the machines.

Hands up and clutching his head, staring up vacantly into the tiled ceiling, Gintoki watched the universe pass across his eyes. What- what was this feeling? Was this how it felt like to reach true enlightenment? When you have lost everything, the insignificance of your life becomes clear to you?

"...is this the vision of my worldly pride and manliness being torn away from me? Have I finally been touched by Buddha's hand?" The look of utter emptiness and serenity on Gintoki's face awed those nearby, a holy golden glow seeming to steal across his features- conveniently coming from the high voltage lights above, which were also severely blinding.

Around him people whispered, staring at him as the yorozuya started to move.

"Dude. There's a weird stain on his butt."

"Was he so shocked at losing that he shit in his pants?"

"No! Mommy told you to stay away from weirdos, don't try and talk to him. You don't know where that homeless has been."

From his corner, Hijikata's eyes narrowed on the pathetic figure swaying about the parlor, beaming in on the tan-brown smear across the seat of his white kimono. It really did look like he shit in his pants...but as a trained officer, his observation skills were great, and magnified ten-fold from a regular person. The sharpness of his eyes told him that the color was off, and the chunkiness of the stain indicated the squashed pattern of a nikkuman...That and he remembered how upset Kondo was when he'd sat on Yamazaki's lunch when he had been planning on stalking Otae-chan in his best yukata.

Walking dazedly from the machine, Gintoki weaved in and out of the aisles, the lack of sugar already starting to drive him to madness. His hand absently knocked over a basket in a woman's lap while he tried to find the exit unsuccessfully, spilling the contents across the entire room.

"........."

"Gyyaaahhhhh!!!"

Several people launched themselves across their machines, faces in twisted screams of determination, the fervor of battle on them as they dived across the floors, hands clawing automatically. Gintoki was in the middle of the melee, a fist of justice punching people into the far walls, getting ready to defend (his) the woman's pachinko balls with all the might of Lake Touya.

A man came flying towards the crab stand, about to knock over the precious display of delicious, cold king crab legs. Immediately falling into stance, Hijikata quickly drew his sword from his side, still sheathed, and blocked his body by catching him directly in the gut as the man smashed into the tip.

"Uguh....." The glare the young yankee sent him was tearful and full of venom as he clutched his stomach, bent over double. "The fuck, asshole? Is that the way to stop someone from falling?"

Yankee or no, the demonic glow radiating from the slitted eyes of the Tempura seemed to freeze his soul with terror.

"Ehh~h? Who said it was to save you from falling?" A hard boot smashed into the side of his head, the force making blood spurt like a bad pen from his nose. A low voice of seafood vengeance rang deep in his ears, filling him with fear. "Who do you think I am? Do you see this sign?"

The green and orange advertisement was shoved into the squashed face, underneath the pink bubble letters was a line of small print, saying,

"Ask our resident seafood master, Ebi, about any of the dishes at the buffet. He is here to help, and is protecting the enjoyment of your meal, guaranteed!"

Before passing out, the man gurgled the last thoughts lingering in his mind. "But...you aren't...Komae-ku-"

As Hijikata was about to sneer his response, the flurry of activity in the center of the parlor became loud enough to catch his attention.

"...Jump....cake..... _Jump_.... _cake_!..."

A flood of customers, tripping and leaping across the room, headed for the corners of the shop. A man came rushing towards the vice-captain, hysterically mumbling. "I don't know...I dunno what he's saying, something about jumping- cake- whatever, he's _mad_! Get away!"

People were running away from the center of the pachinko machines, fleeing for their lives. Gintoki stood in the center like a nexus, the dark aura of demonic power consuming them in a black hole of rage. The tip of his bokuto pointed towards the ceiling briefly before crashing down into the fake, vinyl tile, splitting the earth asunder. Those who tried to escape were now falling into the deep crack that grew wider in the floor, screaming for their lives.

The unholy light in his eyes grew more and more as he limply went and stalked down the straggling few, chanting softly. "Jump...! Cake....! Jump-"

"Please, don't kill me! I have a whole life ahead of me...I wanted to become a great manzai comedian and meet idols on game shows! Think about my cat and new girlfriend..."

Pity was not given, as at the mention of girlfriend the light in Gintoki's eyes glared even more intensely. "..."

Just as he drew his bokuto to strike, the black line of Hijikata's sheath intercepted his arm, catching him under the armpit. "Gintoki. I do not care what you do inside this parlor, but you have crossed into the dining area."

The samurai appeared not to hear his words, zombie eyes even more pronounced then ever, as he raised his bokuto to automatically parry. Hijikata apprehended the movement before it was executed, twisting his elbow back and punching Gintoki under the chin with the grip of his blade, raising his sword high and swinging it down onto his head.

A steady spurt of blood trailed down from Gintoki's nose and mouth as he lay on his side, the white of his eyes shining in their rolled back position from the blow, before blinking sluggishly awake. The shine of the florescent lights struck his vision, hazing everything about in a crescent of light. A vague shape appeared before him, and through his clearing eyes Hijikata's face appeared. He immediately recognized him.

"Eh?...Ebi-san? I thought you only appeared when Kagura is gone. Are you going to take me into the Magical Underwater Palace to fetch the ten pearls before I can eat you, like last night?"

The throbbing vein in Hijikata's forehead was not visible through the cushy top of his outfit. Bopping the hilt of his undrawn sword on the other's head, the vice-captain's uncontrolled strength further drew blood from the already streaming bump forming beneath silver hair. "Gintoki, this is not a Saturday morning children's cartoon! You are not asleep. You are in a pachinko parlor, half of which you destroyed. As a member of the Shinsengumi, I cannot let you escape here unpunished."

Limp, unimpressed eyes shifted sideways as Gintoki crossed his arms, one hand from inside his white kimono rising to pick his nose indifferently with a pinky. He ignored the fact that Hijikata had announced who he was (despite how obvious it was). "Ebi-san, are you sure you should be talking to customers like this? You should think of your wife and children. If you get fired from this job, you will only be thrown away like bad mayonnaise. Then Mrs. Ebi will have to be sold to the Yakuza to pay off your debts with her body."

"You know mayonnaise doesn't go bad for a long time, especially when refrigerated...and what wife? Have you been watching too much Ladies Four!? You don't have the right to criticize me anyway, you're the one who gambled away all your money and is left with one pachinko."

Tilting his head down, Gintoki caught the winking gleam of the single silver pachinko ball clutched loosely in his hand. Indifference quickly wiped away, his face squashed together in alarming disbelief, jaw dropping and gaping stupidly at his palm like it had grown a vortex and sucked away the remains of his life. "My Jump! My sundae!"

Too preoccupied with clawing his perm in anger, Gintoki didn't see the two men coming up from behind him, strutting up the aisle with sunglasses and toothpicks hanging nonchalantly in their mouths. A dirty, sandaled foot approached from behind, and kicked the hand loosely holding his precious pachinko, making it jump out of his hand and bounce across the floor.

Gintoki watched in horror as he scrambled and lunged for his only material wealth and source of sundaes, as the pinging sound of the ball became softer and softer, hand barely touching the silver surface before it wobbled, then tumbled safely into his fingertips.

"Aren't you that pathetic guy earlier?" The long, cinnamon bun swirl-like hair flopped and nodded along as the guy's head tilted forwards, fish-lips smashing in a sneer.

His partner flanking him did nothing but cross his arms over his huge belly. "Pshhhh."

"Causing all that commotion, and only ending up with one pachinko. Ahahahahaha! Are you gonna shit in your pants again?"

Tilting his head in question, Gintoki stared up from the floor into the long, winding tube of hair. "Eh, what are you talking about, Bun-man?" At the incredulous look on Hijikata's face, Gintoki turned around to lecture him again about proper customer treatment, only to finally see the weird slimy stain on his kimono.

"What? I had this stain on my ass the whole day and nobody told me? Does no one have manners in Edo anymore!? What are they teaching children in our schools? What do they think culture festivals are for?!"

Sheer disbelief made Hijikata feel violent, arm automatically starting to wave his sword randomly in the air, thankfully still sheathed. "You just noticed this!? Don't blame this on culture festivals. Didn't you hear all those people whispering earlier behind your back when you got up from your seat? Shouldn't you be more careful when eating a nikkuman?"

The Cinnamon Bun and Fat Belly were ignored in favor of more bickering.

"It was from a nikkuman? ...Wait, does this mean you were staring at my ass? Is this why you go to okama bars for your birthday?"

Surprisingly graceful in his outfit, Hijikata whirled his arm around, falling loosely into a fighting stance, legs able to brace themselves properly despite the restriction of the shrimp tail as he got up in Gintoki's face. "You were the one who was working as an okama!" Hijikata and Gintoki paused to shudder, wiping away the memories of that time as if it hadn't happened. "Anyway, no one probably wanted to tell you about that stain because you looked like you'd been stoned and homeless. Now you ended up walking around all day with no dignity." Hijikata ignored the fact that he was, after all, dressed as a giant piece of tempura.

Shrugging out of the dirty kimono, Gintoki was left only in his red-lined shirt and pants as he shifted the grip on his bokuto, also readying himself for a fight as he shouted back equally loud. "You just don't understand how hard it is too look orderly with a natural perm! I had to hollow out the center of my mooncake this week, because I was saving up for the super double fudge, caramel swirl, butter pecan sundae, but then Shinpachi took our new pay to Otose for immunity!"

In the background, Yamazaki was heading towards them, waving his hands around frantically. The vice-captain swung up his sword high above his head, raising his arm threateningly to strike, not even noticing. "Don't blame everything on your natural perm. I'm sure there are lots of other people with natural perms who can buy one desert a week without any problem!"

Mirroring Hijikata's movement, Gintoki took up his own bokuto, pointing the tip towards the ceiling lights, not caring when it smashed into the bulb and scattered jagged glass on top of him and the two other men from before. "Who are you to talk about anyone's problems, Ebi? Aren't you the one who spends so much time watching and memorizing plots from Ladies Four that you need to work this job to live?"

Yamazaki's form came closer to the seafood bar area, his grey wig pinned badly to the side as he rushed, pointing and gesturing wildly to the spot behind the arguing two.

The gleaming form of the Shinsengumi's sword cleaved down as Hijikata continued bickering, ignoring Yamazaki's silent cries for help. "Don't pretend that you don't watch it more than me, you're the one who used last week's episode as an example to insult me!"

"Ha! Hidori being taken away by the yakuza was this Tuesday!"

Now, while they were both enraged by each other's insults about their respective Ladies' Four knowledge, both rushed forwards as they prepared to thrust their weapons.

A foot shot out in front of Hijikata, tripping him as he stumbled clumsily in his tempura costume. Another foot shot out and kicked Gintoki's hand, the bokuto clattering loudly on the floor, as a single metal pachinko ball fell from his hand, pinging on the tile before rolling down a fathomless crack.

"That's what you bitches get for showering glass onto my hair. Right, Uzumi?"

"Pshhh."

Gintoki was not hearing anything of this world, stomach flat and pressing hard against the floor, stilled in shock. The harsh, frozen wind of the empty universe played in his ears. He stared at the crack, eyes boring helplessly at the edge of the tile where he had seen for the last time his only wealth. The distant call of Buddha was rising again...

" _ARRGHHHHHHHHHHAAAA_!!!"

The radiant burst of light coming from the radius of Gintoki's body blinded everyone in the shop. The white-hot tip of his bokuto glowed with channeled rage before wildly swinging it into the sides of the two men, crushing their bodies together with the godly force of a thousand suns. They flew across the entire pachinko parlor, digging up gigantic clumps of earth as their feet dragged, cracking the wall in two.

It was then that the manager, Uchibara-san came out from the backroom where an alarming dent had forced him outside, to see the sight of several pounds worth of sushi and crab legs fall out of Cinnamon Bun's hair. Half a day's supply worth of sashimi peeled off from underneath his partner's yukata too.

Yamazaki rubbed the back of his head sheepishly as Hijikata stared, accidentally taking the wig off with the action. "Uh...I was trying to tell you that I found out these two had been cheating at the buffet slot machine."

"It's- it's the infamous Kani brothers!" Uchibara stared at the unconscious two in disbelief and amazement. He swerved to Hijikata and Yamazaki, bowing with gratitude. "I can't believe you have finally caught the two most elusive Silver Palace swindlers in the galaxy! Vice-captain Hijikata, as a thank you, you and you subordinate can eat at the seafood buffet for free this entire week, no charge!"

Hijikata's deadpan face showed none of the utter incredulity he was feeling, while Yamazaaki did nothing to hide his joy.

"Eh?! Really Uchibara-san? I haven't had anything to eat all day. Look, vice-captain Hijikata, I'm going over to get some spicy tuna rolls. Here, take all the pachinko's I've won and cash them in for me, okay?"

Gintoki looked like he was on the verge of collapse upon reaching enlightenment so many times in one day. Yamazaki's nonchalantly won pachinko balls didn't even phase him.

 

\-------

 

Because of his honor as a member of the Shinsengumi, Hijikata could not help bring himself to discount the fact that him and Yamazaki were not the ones to actually apprehend the criminals. They changed back into their uniforms in the manager's office before heading to the seafood bar. Yamazaki then ate so many tuna rolls that all the mercury in his system must have poisoned him, leaving him and Gintoki at the table. He let Gintoki sit with him at the table as he shared some of his buffet dishes with him, despite the cramping in his stomach he got whenever faced with spending time with him. He couldn't let it get out that any of this had happened, if Okita found out that he hadn't been the one to catch the criminals and finish the job, there would be twice as many murder plots a day against him. Plus, Sougo would never let him live it down. Letting Gintoki stuff his face with lobster and crab as a bribe was little sacrifice in comparison.

"Oi, Hijikata, get me two more sticks of unagi."

"Oi, Hijikata, did you think this was enough crab legs for us?!"

"Hijikata. Bring me a plate of that fried squid."

"Hijikata, are you seriously going to eat that with so much mayonnaise and wasabi?"

...But of course, he could always be wrong.

The growing glow of red in Hijikata's eyes intensified with each lazily drawled word, every time Gintoki only raising his hand to scratch at the back of his head. Of course, Hijikata was the only one who could go up and get the plates since _he_ was the one who had the free buffet, but his patience was being cut short. With a rocket launcher...Okita's rocket launcher. Silently snarling to himself that once they were done with dessert, he would never have to see this annoying guy again, the vice-captain rose to get one last plate.

"Hijikata, you should get me the green tea ice cream, and some strawberry shortcake."

A slow, wide smile crept across Hijikata's features as an idea swept into his head. He quickly walked over to the dessert table, scooping up the whole plate of one kind of dessert, before sauntering back lazily. Plopping the chinaware straight in front of the other, he sat down indifferently in his chair.

"...is this only wasabi cheesecake?"

Fiercely grinning, Hijikata took up his fork to take a bite. "So? I. Like. Wasabi. Cheesecake."

Despite the flood of non-stop seafood that he had gotten to eat, Gintoki still hadn't had anything even remotely resembling a super double fudge, caramel swirl, butter pecan sundae. Normally placid eyes narrowed at the mocking silver fork dancing in front of his eyes, delicately speared with a seemingly sweet, green tinted cheesecake full of lies.

"Hijikata, I see what has been going on. Clearly your mother didn't want such an ugly baby at birth so she dropped you into a well on your head, but some kindly neighbor took you back to her as a mistake. That is the only reason you would like wasabi cheesecake."

If possible, the vice-captain's eyes narrowed further as he licked the tines of his fork carefully, as if savoring the flavor. "Mmmm...so delicous." He stabbed another miniature slice of cheesecake. "You shouldn't judge things until you've tried them. _Say ahh..._!"

The deadly point of the fork came stabbing at Gintoki's face at mach speed, one of Hijikata's hands prying the bottom half of his jaw open as the vice-captain braced his knee on the table to jack it open. Gintoki was trying unsuccessfully trying to gut the other man with the butter knife clutched in his hand while he salivated unrepentantly on his hand, the yorozuya's other arm actively trying to elbow Hijikata in the face across the table.

Some fumbling and smashed plates later ended with Gintoki choking and clutching his throat he tried unsuccessfully to spit out his tongue. The burning sensation watered his eyes as he waved his butter knife at another attempt in homicide. Hijikata simply laid back smug in his chair, sipping the rest of his green tea in satisfaction.

From the corner of his eyes, Gintoki caught a blurred flash of white, and the bright color of red amidst the tiny green sea of wasabi cheesecakes. Was- was _that_ -?!

Hijikata grinned evilly as his fork darted out and speared the tiny white and pink strawberry shortcake before Gintoki could launch himself at the plate. Lifting and bringing the sweet to his mouth, he dropped it into the small cavern, cake cushioned on his tongue as Hijikata started to close his lips and seal his mouth around the treat while smiling.

Watching with horror, Gintoki decided that this was the last time today he would be cheated out by fate. His hand shot out across the black table, nails barely scraping the inside edge of Hijikata's teeth as his fingers pressed on his gums. Launching himself across the table, Gintoki's eyes blanked as if possessed by the impending sugar rush, mouth open to greet Hijikata's forcibly open one.

Gintoki clutched at the other's black uniform as his tongue darted in to swipe at the dissolving strawberry jelly, swirled lightly with heavy whipping cream. Tasting the faint, small bite of wasabi, Gintoki glided his tongue across the ridged palate of Hijikata's mouth to catch the last lingering crumbs of cake before slowly easing the grip on the Shinsengumi's jacket.

A small, warm puff of air passed softly between their lips before they slid back into their respective places across the table. Hijikata still looked as if he hadn't recovered, normally sharp eyes glassy in shock. Gintoki didn't even notice as cleared the plate in front of him of wasabi cheesecake, and started licking the center of it where the shortcake had left some crumbles and jelly drips.

Yamazaki came staggering back in clutching his stomach, but victorious, seeing the two sitting un-maimed at their table. "I'm ready for more sushi! Eh? Hijikata, why are your lips all swollen? Did you get punched in the face?"

Needless to say, the volcano of rage inside of him erupted as he proceeded to punch Yamazaki in the face for noticing. Gintoki continued to lick his plate, neither Yamazaki nor Hijikata noticing as he stole several pachinkos to buy his Jump later.

 

 **THE END**

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is also part of the 30 kisses challenge on LJ, #18, "say ahh...".


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